On Being A 5th Grader

Yes, it does sound like this will be a guest column by a 5th grader.


Instead, it's my own commentary on having a 5th grader in the house. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Just tonight:

"Today Megan and I were working on something together. We heard someone going 'unngghh! Can't fart!' We turned and looked and it was Billy."

The other morning, there were tears about not wanting to wear glasses to school. It seems that there is a boy who teases her about wearing them. On this particular day, she was going with some classmates (not all) on a field trip. Why was she in tears? Because even though he wasn't going, some of his friends would be and "They will see me in my glasses and tell Evan!" It is a real issue -- this has been going on for some time, but this was the one day he wouldn't be there to see her wear them, and she was in tears.

We find ourselves telling her things like, "Boys are stupid." "Just tell someone who's mean, 'Knock it off,' like you do the dog." "No, you can't wear purple eyeshadow to school."

"I did a dog burp. It was kind of a silent one."

"No one has glasses and a retainer!"

"But everyone has an iPhone!"

Who knew it was so challenging being the big kids in school? I just don't remember 5th grade being this sensational. But, they tell me, things are different these days. (Yeah, right.) Kids are more aggressive. More this and that. But one thing's for sure: It gets worse.

And the best thing of all: Next year she'll be in middle school.